A question I get asked a lot is:
“What is coaching?” Or “What do you do Rob?” and it’s actually damn difficult to put into words. I feel coaching is something you have to experience in order for you to embrace the power of it.
So today I’m going to give you a greater insight into what coaching actually is … and isn’t (the way I do it. (-; )
It all starts with a powerful conversation.
But, let’s skip a few beats and get straight to the journey. If you feel that this is something you’re searching for once you’ve read this, then you’ll have the chance to experience a powerful conversation at the bottom of this post.
Coaching is an experience where two people (coach and client) go on an amazing journey together. An adventure in creating the extraordinary.
You have dreams, crazy ones, maybe dreams that you’re not consciously aware of. They lay dormant in the back of your mind.
What I do is facilitate and guide you in creating those dreams, your vision, the magic.
You may call me crazy, or tell me that’s impossible.
But that’s what I love. The impossible.
When I reflect on my story and where I’ve come from to where I am today. Six years ago I would have told myself I was crazy. Even when I look back a year from today, I still would have said it was an impossible dream.
A coaching relationship goes much deeper than any friendship.
You have friends. Probably lots of them that advise you.
Say “yes” to you and tell you things that please you.
My job isn’t to please you. Be a “Yes” man or even a friend.
My job is to serve you and serve you powerfully in creating what you want in the world.
As we take this adventurous journey there will be lots of exploration and ‘digging deep’ into the reasons to what’s holding you back from creating the extraordinary.
POWER of conversation is key here, so you must be willing to get uncomfortable, vulnerable and authentic within the exploring.
Coaching with me is not for the faint-hearted either. I will challenge you. I will ask you to lean into your edge and cross the line of your comfortability threshold. While at the same time, feeling safe and secure in doing so.
I must stress that I’m not an accountability coach that’s going to ask you if you have “done-this-and-done-that yet.” That’s what a motivator does.
I believe a motivator doesn’t serve. It does the exact opposite. It disempowers a person in the choices they are making rather than empowering them.
Motivation comes from an external source which tends to create short-term change that will keep you going around and around in vicious circles, rather than see the life-long transformation you desire.
You do want a life-long transformation, don’t you?
Coaching is an investment, not a cost.
Investing in coaching and my own coach has transformed my life.
Yes, I could have gone and bought a new car or the very latest 4K TV-or-even gone on holiday. But I didn’t. I decided to invest that money into myself and it has paid me back ten fold.
Anything else would have been a cost. I have known people who have spent money on those kinda things. Like the latest gadgetry or holiday as an escapism from life. Thinking that it would bring them some happiness …
… and it did for a short period. Until reality showed up again. If you feel that coaching is a cost rather than an investment, then we probably wouldn’t be the right ‘fit’ for a coaching relationship.
What coaching isn’t.
I also want to get into what coaching ‘isn’t’ because some people’s idea’s of what it is are a little mixed between a psychologist and therapist.
Images of lying on a couch and letting it all out. Or going to some scary place in your past.
“Opening a can of worms” is one of the expressions I’ve heard.
It’s none of that. I’m not Dr. Frasier Crane.
It’s about moving forwards and creating.
Ever heard the phrase “You get what you focus on”?
If you’re always looking back there and that’s where your focus lies.
That’s what you’ll get.
Why do you think you hear this a lot …
… “My therapist is fantastic, I’ve been seeing him for the past 14 years”
I’m going to contradict myself here-and-I don’t care if I do.
Coaching isn’t therapy. Therapy is about fixing people.
Coaching is about creating and in its own way, is kinda therapy.
I told you I would contradict myself (-:
Let me explain what I mean by that.
It’s what I experienced when I was in my darkness.
By being creative and putting out into the world what I wanted helped me in many ways.
A lot of my therapy and self-development came from creating and serving people. Not from reading a ton of self-help books.
I tried that. You have too. Drowning in a sea of information just looking for a quick fix, a cure or something to help you. And then??
Self-Help becomes Shelf-Help. More books that you either don’t or can’t read because you’re so overwhelmed with knowledge.
I look at it from a different perspective – Less = More.
Coaching isn’t me telling you what to do. I would associate that with more of a mentor’s role than a coach. A mentor usually gives you their strategy that got them their results and instructs you on how to implement that strategy.
A coach is someone who extracts information rather than instructs. Click on the video thumbnail below to listen to Andrea’s story.
And you may have experienced this pain before where you have been given a full-proof-plan or strategy to freedom. Whether that be financial, a habit or some other kinda freedom.
But, you couldn’t execute it and you struggled to understand why. Still do. Maybe others had the same plan and they got great results. Why not you? That’s the question that niggles you, isn’t it?
Listen, I could give you all the ‘How To’s’ in the world but if they aren’t meeting you where you’re at in your journey, they will NEVER work.
Instructing isn’t my game plan because it approaches it from a-one-size -fits-all. That doesn’t work either. You are not ‘ALL’.
You are ‘UNIQUE.’
That’s my take on what coaching is and isn’t.
I hope you enjoyed reading it and thank you for doing so.
Hey, I guess you’re here at this very page looking at this Coaching Intensive because you have dreams and desires burning deep inside your very core.
And because you’re a hard worker with a ‘Never Give Up!’ attitude,
you have this belief that you can achieve anything with the right information, motivation and attitude.
Trouble is; you’ve read the books, watched the video’s, and you’ve certainly got the attitude. But, you’re going nowhere fast.
And the motivation? … Well, it always runs out way before you reach your destination.
That ‘Never Give Up!’ attitude is the only reason you keep hanging in, playing this exhausting game.
• The ‘Frantic Game’ that leads to another search for a quick fix to your problem.
• The ‘Stuck Game’ where the information is so overwhelming that you do nothing with it.
• The ‘Fearful Game’ that always results in you making rash impulse decisions that don’t work in your favour.
• The ‘Frustrating Game’ of feeling hopeless and grasping onto the very last bit of control you have.
• The ‘Guilt Game’ that trips and traps you every single time into your negative self-talk.
• The ‘Shame Game’ that say’s you ‘should’ be able to do this, but the results say differently.
• This ‘Exhausting Game’ that leaves you feeling stressed, worried and like it’s all your fault.
I believe games should be fun. Certainly not a merry-go-round to Painville.
You want to feel a shift in your mindset.
You want results.
So, what if I told you that you don’t need more information to get where you want to go?
What if I told you that we can unblock what’s holding you back in just one day?
What if I told you that you will look back a day, a month, a year from now and see how much of a transformation this intensive has had on your life.
Gathered in a luxury log cabin we will begin our day by creating a context of calm, trust, play and openness.
Drawing out your dreams and desires.
And looking at the struggles and challenges that always seem to halt your progress – be it in your business, personal life or relationship.
A challenging and immersive dialogue will emerge throughout the day, under an agreement that you will be an active participant in this dialogue.
After all, this is a commitment not to stay where you currently are.
We do not gather simply to share ideas. You’ve probably had lots of those.
We come together to transform you.
Questions may be confronting. So, this intensive is not for the faint of heart.
If you’re willing to take the next step forwards, reach out to me by completing the form below.
Implement these five powerful and fast-acting strategies now to break free from the embarrassment, guilt, shame, and disconnection that zaps you of your energy and leaves you feeling exhausted and depressed every day.
The ‘Can I Kick It Blueprint’ is not just another ‘self-help’ pamphlet or book that you can walk away from without taking action.
It’s a guide, where you will discover what’s keeping you stuck within your long term addictions and why it’s not what you think.
Designed to empower you, so you can rediscover, redefine and realign with the individual strategies (without the usual pitfalls) which will lead you out of depression and into freedom.
Click the black download now box to get your free copy. What The ‘Can I Kick It Blueprint’ Has To Offer?
The ‘Can I Kick It Blueprint’ contains everything you could want to know about coming from out of your darkness and the struggles that keep you fearful, anxious, angry and shameful.
Why switching focus, environments and gaining clarity is fundamental in propelling you forwards.
Fighting your fear can be exhausting.
This strategy will help you understand why it doesn’t work and where this fear manifests.
The Thing Isn’t Always The Thing.
Discover why subconscious beliefs and repetitive labelling lays down powerful neural pathways to your bullshit stories, and why those stories are hard to shake.
Drop The Judgement. An eye-opening insight into judgement and the effects it has on where you focus lies, passive behaviours and disconnect from loved ones.
Getting Out Of The Box. Changing your perceptions on the box and breaking free from it is a crucial step towards re-discovering, re-aligning and re-defining with the individual strategies that will inspire you to come from out of your darkness.
Discover The Language Of Threat.
Understand the basic language of threat in neuroscience terms and what responses and behaviours occur that accompany the very same language that can keep you fighting or running from your circumstances and fear.
A Blueprint Based On Facts.
This Blueprint was written based on cold, hard experiences I’ve faced over numerous dark years of being stuck within my gambling addiction.
So yes, these are facts based on my story, and hopefully you connect with that.
We delve into the neuroscience aspect within the Blueprint.
I didn’t want you drowning in overwhelm as that’s where you might be right now.
The information in this book is provided by myself, a world-class coach who has studied addiction.
In fact, I’ve had more than 10,000 hours perfecting the art of it.
That’s right, it’s 100% FREE to download ‘The Can I Kick It Blueprint.’
Build your very own strategies by using the five powerful one’s contained within this Blueprint.
Connect with me and let me guide you to Freedom by clicking on the button down below.
“I have moved forwards in my life, something which I never thought possible and I cannot thank Rob enough for his coaching skills over the last year.
It has given me an understanding of why I have felt, acted, reacted, spoken and thought all the things I have in my life. My life has meaning and I understand where everything comes from now. This benefits everyone around me as I am a happier person, more positive and more able to be the fantastic mum and wife that I am.
I would never had said I needed coaching, but I truly believe after living the coaching process for the last year that everyone would benefit from it in some way. It’s just the most amazing introspective and positive experience you could hope for which will uncover a great deal and enable you to thrive in every area of your life.”
~ Caroline Pattison
Creator Of Miss Ellie Dance-Wear.
“He has transformed and still continues to transform my life. Every time I speak to him I come away from the call with a beaming smile on my face. He has transformed and still continues to transform my life.
From being in the depths of depression and having days where ending it all felt like the only viable option. To realising I’m Fucking Awesome and capable of anything. He has allowed me to rediscover the real me. The fun loving guy who people love to be around
Not only has he helped me remove my limiting beliefs of being a failure he also helps me to create an action plan to stop these beliefs reappearing and allowing me to create a life I love. Give him 1 hour of your time and he will having you seeing all the possibilities your life holds and ready to take action to make them your reality”
~ Rob Stevens
2 x World Kick Boxing Champion
“Rob has helped me overcome my fears within my own business which has made me much more confident along with earning more money.
From feeling very anxious every single day expecting negative things to happen, I now am very proud to say I get up every single day ready to greet the world, and all that it offers, good or bad. I feel that my journey is a very powerful and positive one.
Thank you x”
~ Andrea Broughton
Mrs B’s Childcare Services.
“Anyone that truly knows me will understand how HUGE this is for me…..
‘What are your dreams?’ he said.
‘Follow your passion’ he said.
I’m not going to join the dots for you Nic, you have to do that for yourself.’
‘What are your values Nic? are you living them?’
The fear of being judged. The fear of getting it wrong. A HUGE fear of not being good enough BUT!……
It’s taken since March,(2015) and the penny finally dropped…..
A pagan, tree-hugging hippie, hugely humanitarian with a geeky science obsession, whose values are…
Passion, Kindness, Mindfulness.
I’VE ACTUALLY GONE AND DONE IT!!!
Life re-arranged for…
… A BA degree in environmental studies/science.
I really cannot express how exciting this feels.
I really cannot express my gratitude towards Rob enough.
Robert Westerburg thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!”
What are they saying about Robert Westerburg?
Jessica Morrod Talks About Her Experience With Robert
Leanne Ellington Talks More on Can I Kick It & Robert Westerburg
Ruth Smethurst Talks About Robert Westerburg And Can I Kick It?
Karuna Patel Kaipa On Who Robert Westerburg Is
Would You Love To Feel Confident In Any Given Social Situation? Well, Now You Can With This Online Coaching Program
Jane’s (see above) story is one of complexity, lots of plot twists, and heartache.
But, in reality her story is not as complex as she makes out.
So I decided to keep it simple; because that’s what she craves – Simplicity (and chocolate.)
There’s something else Jane craves – more than anything. The missing ‘magical ingredient’ in her life.
Confidence! Sure, she can act better than Meryl Streep and play her role as a confident woman when all eyes are a gaze, but her reality tells us a much different story.
One of an unconfident woman who doesn’t feel secure in her body and social situations.
To the outside world looking in – her life looks amazing.
The business. The job. The family. The house. But there’s an inner turmoil going on.
One of uncertainty and confusion.
Watch Jane’s Story Below
Searching for ‘confidence’ in diets and grueling exercise regimes are just one of the things Jane has tried to get ‘That Body.’
But the outcome is always the same.
She feels no different. The ‘confidence’ always escapes her.
So Jane reverts to old habits – and the change? …
… Short-Lived! Which leaves her frustrated, emotional, and with another failure story to add to the memory bank.
Jane’s life outside of work and business is one of a hermit. Rarely socialising because she feels like the “odd one out” in her circle of friends and FEARS judgement from others.
She comes armed with many excuses up her sleeve to avoid confrontation when the dreaded question hurtles towards her …
… “Are you coming out this Saturday Jane?”
It’s only when peer pressure gets the better of her, that she gives in reluctantly and goes with the flow.
Terrified and on edge that she will get judged harshly by others – she uses alcohol to NUMB her insecurities and fit in with the rest of the group.
“I don’t care what they think or say about me” is a common phrase that whirls around in Jane’s head to help her feel safe in social situations.
But, she does care what others think and say about her.
She cares a lot.
Jane has an amazing ability to help people with their problems, but never her own.
She puts a huge emphasis on pleasing others – it makes her feel fantastic to do so.
Until the favours go un-noticed and un-returned. Then the shit really hit’s the fan.
Feeling unappreciated and unrecognised for all her ‘good-will’ – Jane blows up after taking it for so long and reacts with a negative Facebook status update that attracts a lot of attention.
To which she replies“I’m Fine!” Jane just wants thanks, recognition, and the kindness she deserves – instead of being hurt by the people she pleases.
The strangest thing is, it always happens. And it continues to happen.
To the point where she asks herself “What’s wrong with me?” Her confidence has just taken another nasty turn for the worst.
With a MANIC mind, always running at hyper-speed and a life that contains so many different balls to juggle, Jane loves to set goals. But, never sticks to them.
Daydreaming about the way things could be and should be – Jane just wants to achieve in life.
But, her actions are never in alignment with the what she says or sets out to do – She even calls herself – ‘fly-by-night’ as well as lots of other nasty and self-damaging names.
The horrific time Jane gives herself for the broken promises and numerous goals she can never attain or reach.
Not only affects her relationship with loved ones – but also with herself.
Sending her self-esteem and self-confidence plummeting further into the ground.
My question is – does Jane’s story sound familiar to yours?
If you’re thinking “Oh my god! That’s me he’s describing!”
Then The Confidence Factor is what you’ve been searching for all along.
But, I just want to check in with you before you race off to invest in this confidence-boosting program.
Would you be willing to take steps in…
• How to master yourself in the shortest time possible, so you can feel confident in any given social situation.
• Breakthrough solutions to keep your dignity in tact and get the recognition you deserve (no more feeling pissed off) while you’re trying to please others.
• Secret techniques to break free from the comparison cycle that could kill off any self-esteem and confidence that you do have left.
• A “can’t miss” way to set yourself up for success and achieve time and time again rather than the dreaded failure that keeps you in the dark.
• The harsh truth behind goal setting and why you always end up heading off in a totally different direction to where you really want to go.
• How to make yourself bullet-proof against judgemental people who love nothing better than to tear you and your confidence down.
• Discover how to feel empowered – and remove the emotional crippling pain that keeps you stuck – and second guessing yourself.
• Why your reactions are having a negative effect on your confidence – and ultimately – your happiness.
• How the ‘secret’ tiniest of changes in your environments can lead to more productivity and a swift decrease in overwhelm and anxiety.
Is This The Jane You’re Looking For?
‘The Confidence Factor’ is a two-week program where you will take step by step action to empowerment & confidence.
This confidence-boosting program will take place within a safe and secret Facebook group (which you will gain instant access when you join) where you will be supported by a World Class Coach (Me.) and connect with like minded fun people, just like yourself.
If this sounds like it’s for you, and you want on to the Confidence Factor, then hit the ‘Click Here To Join Now!’ button below and gain instant access to your power and boost your confidence today…
Hey, Rob here. Just before you go ahead and click on the link that will allow you to reach out to me. I would like to bring three points of awareness to your attention.
#1: Reaching out is an act of courage. Whether you’re at a crossroads, feel lost, stuck or don’t know how to move forwards. It takes a lot of courage, vulnerability and heart to ask. So I will thank and congratulate you beforehand for even reaching this point.
#2: I don’t believe you need help. In society nowadays, the word “HELP” and asking for it is seen as a sign of weakness. I don’t believe you do need “HELP.” You can keep living the life you’re living and you will still survive. But, if you want to live an extraordinary life. A life where there are no longer the same struggles, challenges and drama that you keep experiencing.
If you wish to THRIVE, then coaching could be the right fit for you.
#3: I set my filter high before allowing anyone my precious time. Yours is equally as important too and I respect that.
That’s why I’m giving you a heads up and being truly honest with you beforehand. There will be more questions to follow once you’ve initially reached out. This is to make sure that what you’re NOT doing is: a cry out for “HELP” or that you’re one of those people who just fantasise about change and that you actually want it.
Here’s your chance to get my views on the world and challenges that you may be currently facing. Just click on the thumb links to watch the video’s.
I’m All In
Self-Love & Self Sabotage
Before You Speak – Think!
What’s Luck Got To Do With It?
Only Dead Fishes Go With The Flow
I Hate Change
Why Motivation Sucks
Are You Suppressing Your True Self?
So, what is this vital substance that is so necessary to your well-being and FIRES up your brain POWER and keeps you strong and healthy?
It is blood sugar – your body’s natural fuel carried by your bloodstream to every gland and organ.
Can you restore the blood sugar balance of your body and restore the vital functions that have gone wrong?
Yes, it is possible, practical and easy – in thousands of cases!
These precise kinds of ordinary foods, sometimes with a few vitamin ‘extras’, can restore health to many suffering minds and has brought even the seemingly insane, back to useful, happy and healthy living.
How the same ordinary foods work wonders for such common ailments as headaches, fatigue, irritability, memory fog, anxiety and depression.
How the same ordinary foods refuels the entire body, to help you get into splendid youth-condition from head to toe.
This e-book contains the food secrets that brought a full recovery from symptoms such as arthritis, diabetes, eczema, obesity, depression.
Food Secrets that strengthen the entire system of adrenal glands plus these (easy to follow!) meals help to strengthen and tonic your mind.
Contained in ‘7 Day’s To Kick It!’ are seven days of breakfasts – lunches – dinners.
Making it super simple for you to follow, without any of that depressing calorie counting nonsense that can drive you bonkers.
This is a taster of the bigger book ’30 Day’s To Kick It!’
I get a lot of people asking me “What do you do Rob?”
And it’s pretty difficult to describe, until you’ve experienced the power of it.
But my message has evolved to this…
“I put the being back into human”
‘Eh?’ you may be thinking.
Bare with me and I’ll come back to that.
Last year I wrote the ‘Can I Kick It Blueprint’ on addiction that went on Amazon, designed the website and set up the Facebook Page.
Pretty proud of what I achieved right there.
Can I Kick It? – was essentially for people who were using alcohol, gambling, drugs, diets, porn, TV, their thoughts, etc, as a way of numbing out from reality.
In that time, I’ve guided people who were stressed and sometimes suppressing past trauma that has crept up upon them. Causing escapism into addiction and habits that emotionally were draining and depressing.
Through our coaching journey together – they still have…
Their connection with loved ones.
This was built around my story and I had a lot of amazing people supporting me while I went ahead and created something pretty inspiring. Because honestly, I didn’t think anyone would seriously want it.
What I didn’t expect or realise was – there were many people out there who were experiencing the same struggles I had.
Jumping from one thing to another in search of something fulfilling. Numbing out from reality. Looking for quick fixes. Opting into everything I couldlooking for more and more information to my struggle. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Wondering “What’s wrong with me.” Feeling shameful. Blameful. And guilty. Hopelessness. Self Hate.
Now, coming back to:
“I put the being back into human”
It means to BE in
Alignment with your Being.
Alignment with what you want to create.
Alignment with your vision.
Your Being’s natural state isn’t – STRESS. OVERWHELM. ANXIETY. NEGATIVITY. WORRY. SELF HATE. GUILT. SHAME.
When you’re ‘BEing’ you will create them dreams and desires that sit subside in your mind. You will come from a place of LOVE and NEVER FEAR.
You will NEVER wait around for things to happen because you’ll be too busy CREATING them.
Rob <3 x
Advice is like a roll of the dice
I get asked a lot for advice but I begrudge giving it – because you hold all the answers.
Advice is like a roll of the dice.
Because, chances are, you’ve read and been given many ‘HOW TO’ guidelines in the past that gives you the best advice.
Strategies and systems to give you exactly what you want.
And you’ve bought into it too.
Family and friends have gave you advice.
People have told you what will and what won’t work.
People have told you what you should and shouldn’t do.
Sometimes you’ve followed it.
Sometimes you haven’t.
But there’s something that’s always apparent in all of this when we come back to it.
You stay STUCK.
No doubt the strategies and systems work – if you follow them.
But that’s the struggle – following them.
No doubt some of the advice will too.
But you don’t follow it.
It doesn’t meet you where you’re at.
It doesn’t know the deep inner beliefs that are keeping you stuck in quick sand.
It wasn’t all that long ago where I got on a coaching call with a lady.
She was staying stuck.
After one deep conversation (not always the case) she moved forwards and set up the Yoga retreats that she always wanted.
It was one limiting belief that was holding her back.
How do I know it worked?
Because she took action, rather than procrastinating over it for months and years. Which she had been until that point.
I’m not a ‘how to?’ guy.
I’m a what’s ‘holding you back?’ guy.
You hold ALL the answers.
You have the keys.
Rob ❤️ X
Inspiration is one of my deep core values.
But I don’t go out there purposefully to inspire others.
Because that would be ‘doing’ for doing sake – and trying to meet others expectations of who I should be.
Some inspirational guy that loves to write quotes all day long. Nah.
It starts with me. Always. And from within. BEing me.
Then it flows out into the universe.
The stories I write. I write for me.
And if you love them too. Then that’s awesome.
Come along on this adventurous journey
Rob ❤️ X
When we get down to the nitty-gritty the only thing FEAR stops you from
You can’t ‘BE’ if you have gifts, skills and stories, that you’re suppressing.
Your heart will keep yearning.
Your gut will keep churning.
Your head will keep turning.
It’s your duty to BE you.
And not some second rate version of you that kneels to other people’s expectations and demands.
Your dreams are calling you
Your heart is calling you
You are calling you
❤ Rob X
Once upon a time there were two shoe salesmen.
They were both sent to the same distant third world country by their companies.
The first salesman gets off the plane and has a look around.
Disappointed by what he sees. He gets on the phone to head office.
“Bad news I’m afraid. Get me on the first plane back. Nobody here wears shoes!”
The second salesman gets off the plane and has a look around.
Excited by what he sees, he gets on the phone to head office.
In fact, it’s sooo GREAT, it’s OFF THE CHARTS!
I hope you’ve got plenty of to ship.
Nobody here has shoes.”
Your thoughts are everything.
That’s just one example of two people having exactly the same experience, but with a totally different approach to their thinking.
And that’s going to be key to your success.
If you keep thinking that you CAN’T. You WON’T.
You’ve probably noticed that, right?
I posted something on FB early yesterday morning about my thought process when I was in a hole with my gambling.
Addictive (Validation) Personality.
Telling yourself day after day, month after month, year after year that you have an ‘addictive personality.’
What do you think is gonna happen after a while?
Yep. You’re going to believe it.
And because I believed it, it gave me validation to keep doing what I was doing.
After all. It’s not my fault. It’s my personalities fault.
Be careful of what you’re telling yourself.
One day you might just believe it.
If you have kids, or if you were one yourself (I guess you were.)
You’ll have used or heard the phrase …
“…Go tidy your room.”
With my eldest, this was something that used to frustrate me, a LOT.
He didn’t need an e-book or instruction manual on how to do it.
He knew how to tidy his room.
He just wasn’t doing it!
And it’s the same kinda frustration people are facing today.
You might be one of them?
You know exactly what you need to do, and why you need to do it.
But you just can’t seem to get yourself to actually DO IT.
You read the books.
You’ll look online.
You get yourself pumped from reading those motivational quotes on Facebook.
You keep promising that tomorrow things are going to be different.
But it never is. Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s different.
No matter how hard you FORCE yourself.
No matter how much WILLPOWER you use.
No matter how much of a DIFFICULT time you give yourself.
You CAN’T do it.
When I was working in the health and fitness industry, I had thousands of conversations face to face and online, mainly with women.
I would ask what diets have worked for them.
They would roll off quite a few. Such as…
… Juice Plus, Slimming world, Weight watchers, Slimming Pills,
Atkins Diet, Cambridge Diet.
Then I’d drop the BOMB.
The ONE question that would make them STOP and think…
“If all of those diets worked, then why are you here today?”
I got the feeling that it was the first time someone had asked them that question.
Truth is. They had worked. Short Term.
But not – Long Term.
And that’s what was frustrating them.
These women weren’t stupid.
They knew how to eat healthily.
They knew how to exercise.
And just like that child who won’t tidy his room …
… They weren’t doing it.
Is that you?
Do you know exactly what you need to do.
Why you need to do it,
But you just can’t?
Reach out to me.
I was listening to an old album on iTunes when I sat down to type this blog post
Then this came on …
… ‘Fools Gold’ – by – The Stone Roses
So I thought, let’s roll with it.
Because it’s what a lot of people are looking for
Simply put – it means – In the search of something that you say you want, but don’t know why.
Take ‘Confidence’ as an example
People tell me they want it.
I ask people why they want it.
And they can’t give me an answer.
They just ‘WANT’ it!
That’s ‘Fools Gold.’
Yep, you may find those little leprechauns dancing around a pot of it at the end of a rainbow.
But, what are you going to use it for?
I looked at the lyrics of the first verse of the song
“The gold road’s sure a long road
Winds on through the hills for fifteen days
The pack on my back is aching
The straps seem to cut me like a knife.”
A long way to go and a lot of pain to endure, for something you want, but don’t know why.
Don’t ya think?
Is it so you can feel confident in social situations?
Is it so you can feel confident in job interviews and find a new lease of life?
Is it so you can feel confident to leave your crumby job and start your own business?
Is it so you can feel confident to kick a habit that’s making your life a misery?
Is it so you can feel confident in the bedroom with your partner?
Is it so you can feel confident to start a new relationship?
Is it so you can feel confident to leave a bad relationship?
If you know WHY you want it, then that’s all good
Anything else is just ‘Fools Gold’
We have all gone trough some tough spots in our life.
I truly believe everyone has a compelling story to tell.
A story of diversity – challenges – struggles – and WINS.
And some of those stories are stored away in our brains.
And it’s those stories that are locked away in our subconscious that drives our behaviours.
Usually the negative ones.
Like the overweight lady who loses weight and always puts it back on.
She truly believes on a deep level that she’s overweight because a bully at school (sometimes, family members) used to tease her about how big boned she looked.
Like the person who stays sober for a couple of months and then jumps off the wagon again, because they got told they were an alcoholic and believed it.
Like the person who says they are thick or stupid because their school grades weren’t great or because their siblings were much brighter than them in the academic department.
That’s exactly what they are …
And they are defined by the person in charge – ‘YOU’
You can either be a Victim or Viking.
The Victim story is of someone that blames others and their situations for where they are in life, they never own their story.
The Viking story is of someone that takes complete ownership of their story and uses it to their advantage.
You’ve probably read the VICTIM story.
Goes something like this…
“Why me?” – “It’s their fault” – “I always fail” – “Things are always going to be this way” – “I never seem to have time.”
That’s not ownership – that’s passing the buck, so you don’t have to take responsibility for where you are in life.
If that sounds harsh. It is.
That’s the reality of it.
And I had to awaken to this harsh reality before I began to take steps towards what I did want and leave behind what I didn’t.
So, what’s it gonna be
Victim or Viking?
Was watching a film the other day. You may have seen it
If you haven’t. Let me give you a brief overview.
Jim Carrey (who plays Bruce) has God almighty powers, but gets stuck in a rut when his relationship breaks down to the sexy Jennifer Anniston.
Morgan Freeman who plays God in this feel-good flick has a touching scene with Bruce
Goes like this…
“Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce, it’s a magic trick.
A single mom who’s working two jobs, and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that’s a miracle.
A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education, that’s a miracle.
People want ME to do everything for them, but what they don’t realise is, they have the power.
You want to see a miracle, son?
Be the miracle”
(I bet you just read that in Morgan Freeman’s voice 🙂 )
I can totally relate to this because I would pray and wish for a miracle to happen.
For a long time…
…and you know what happened?
Nothing! Zip! Nada!
Until one day, something snapped inside me.
So, rather than waste more time on wishing, hoping and praying for a miracle to turn up,
I decided that I didn’t want the same struggles showing up in my life.
I decided that I didn’t want to walk around feeling like a victim of my own circumstances.
I decided that I didn’t want a Groundhog day life.
I decided that I didn’t want to be a follower.
I decided that I didn’t want to keep walking around with a mask on.
I decided that I didn’t want the same PAIN I was enduring day in, day out.
I decided to be the miracle.
You have the POWER to be the miracle too.
It was a question that used to circle around my brain often.
“I know what I need to do, but I’m just not doing it. What’s wrong with me?”
Probably the same one circling around yours.
The answer? (Let me put you at ease.)
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you!
The answers you need are in the details, so listen closely.
You have all the information you need.
You may have had a short success doing it before.
Whether it be quitting alcohol
Hitting that diet and losing some weight
Whatever the challenge is
So. You know you can do it.
But this time it’s harder.
Like pulling out teeth, or a dark hole you can’t get out of.
I was in that hole once too, you know.
And the one thing that kept me there?
When you shame yourself for a long time and tell yourself the same stories over and over again that hurt you…
… Your self-esteem goes.
Your dignity disappears.
Your social connections leave.
Your confidence caves.
You second guess yourself.
You feel dis-empowered.
You secretly start to resent others.
Your brain only needs 3 repetitions of anything to take it on as a habit.
So, those nasty thoughts you’ve been having about yourself.
Have you had them for a long time?
Do they feel like a habit?
Do you feel like you’re hiding because your confidence isn’t what it used to be?
Has your self-esteem left you?
Are you shaming yourself, because despite you knowing what you need to do, and despite having all the knowledge…
…You can’t do it
Do you secretly resent others because it looks like they are doing great, and you’re not. Then feel crappy for doing it?
Would you like to break free from the habit which is holding you back?
Would you like to kick those tormenting and terrorising thoughts into touch?
Would you be willing to go one step further and do something about it?
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another.
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are.
After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with.
We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our partner gets his or her act together when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice holiday, when we retire.
The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
A quote comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said,
“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.
So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time…and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until winter, until your song comes on, until you’ve had a drink…. there is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Work like you don’t need money,
Love like you’ve never been hurt,
And dance like no one’s watching.”
When we went to Gambia a few years ago, myself and Adriane had to leave the complex we were staying in and get to a bank as we’d ran out of cash towards the end of our holiday.
We knew it was going to be a challenge as we had been warned about heading outside the hotel and told about the numerous scams and certain people to be aware of.
As soon as we stepped out there were a few guys hanging around, one in particular latched onto us.
I like to think of myself as street smart, so when he asked us
“Where are you heading?”
I kept quiet
Adriane said … “The bank.”
I remember shaking my head and thinking, ‘Oh no, we’re gonna getting mugged now’.
He kept following us, trying to make idle chit chat as we walked into town, and as we got into the thick of it, the poverty that surrounded us was an eye opener.
I did start to find myself opening up more to this guy as we walked some more, and the journey seemed pretty scary and intimidating, especially when all the locals were staring at us.
At one point, there were two men who were about to try it on with mugging us, but this guy had caught their eye and decided better of it.
He guided us to the bank and back to the hotel, making sure we were safe every step of the way. Even spent some of his own cash getting us some nuts from a local lady frying these things on the street corner.
As we parted, we gave him some money and agreed to meet him the following day to hand him tee-shirts, shorts and some of the clothes we took on holiday, as we would be no longer needing them.
And … we did.
Heading off on a new journey can feel scary, but with a guide who can serve you powerfully and be with you every step of the way. The adventure is a damn sight safer, relaxing and enjoyable than trying to make it on your own.
It’s a common question I get asked from people who don’t understand why this habit that used to bring them pleasure. Is now causing them so much pain, but can never seem to put an end to the wretched torment it brings.
“Why can’t I just stop my addiction?”
It’s the very same question that used to whirl around in my head during the dark days of a gambling addiction that got way out of control.
Here I was, a single father in financial difficulty and disconnecting with friends and family I love. At one point, I held a knife to my wrists to put an end to the agonising torture I was putting myself through.
The questions whirled around in my head but always led me back to the same answers that taunted me. I thought it was genetics as my father had a gambling issue, or could it be that I was just weak-willed?
I didn’t know, but one thing I did know was that my negative self-talk was driving me insane. Plus the guilt, blame and shame I was feeling was just pouring more fuel on this fearless fire.
If you find yourself with this challenge now. I get it, and I want to show you what’s happening from a neuroscience standpoint, so you gain a greater understanding of the confusion that you’re feeling.
The good news is: you no longer have to listen to other people’s ‘control it’ advice or your negative self-talk for that matter, let’s find out why.
Your brain is one big pattern machine.
Imagine a turn of a key in your car. It sets the wheels in motion for your journey, and if this is a place of daily interest, i.e., work, there’s a good chance that when you reach your destination you never think
…”WOW! How did I get here?”
It’s like you’re on automatic pilot, and you’d be right.
You don’t have to think about how to get there, where your biting point is for your clutch. How much gas you need to get the car moving or remembering to check mirrors, when to brake, and all of that other mundane stuff.
It wasn’t always the case, though. When you were learning to drive, you had to go through a cognitive process.
The clutch and it’s biting point, how much gas to give the car, checking mirrors when to break, etc., and it was probably an exhausting learning experience for you. I know it was for me.
That’s because it all takes place in the ‘PFC’ better known as the Pre-Frontal Cortex.
So we don’t get bogged down in technical mumbo-jumbo, let me explain that this area of the brain involves logic and creative thinking and sits towards the front of your brain.
When the same process repeats over days, months, years, this becomes a habit. And the (BG) ‘Basal Ganglia’ area of the brain, which is towards the rear starts to take over your driving automatically.
Which in-turn free’s up space for the (PFC) to think about other things. Such as, your summer holidays, what’s for dinner tonight and if you remembered to set your favourite TV show to record.
That happens because if you had to keep repeating the process of learning how to drive a car, how to eat, how to tie your shoelaces or whatever the skill, it would be exhausting.
The (PFC) isn’t energy-efficient with the day-to-day running of tasks, and if we had to re-learn the same skills each day, well, that would be overwhelming and stressful. So it hands these tasks over to the (BG).
Addiction begins in the same manner. There’s a stimulus that repeats, and with constant repetition increases and strengthens the pattern in the (BG.) That tells us we are no longer in the frontal area of the brain (PFC) where logical choices are being made.
So whether your vice is drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, sex, porn, social media, shoes, it’s simply a pattern that’s running on automatic pilot.
Albert Einstein says it best with this quote.
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used to create them“.
That’s true, and one of the big mental shifts I had to make was around judgement.
The harsh words and punishments kept leading me back to the same unruly answers that I was not good enough or worthy of the life I wanted to live.
I also learnt a valuable lesson that there are no rights or wrongs.
Only bias and unbiased opinions based on people’s beliefs and value systems.
The way I came to my belief/value system was to define them for myself. Until that point, you’re more than likely carrying someone else’s definition of the belief/value system you carry around with you.
These values now act as my moral compass to guide me and keep me heading in the right direction.
I hope this article has shed some light on what can sometimes be a complicated and confusing subject.
If you’d like to download a free copy of The Can I Kick It Blueprint, which will help you gain a greater understanding, then click here.
I remember hittin’ the airport at MIAMI for a weekend workshop with one of the top coaches in the world.
When I finally managed to find the car hire place that I’d pre-booked. I must admit. I was kinda scared.
I’d never drove on the wrong side of the road before (they say it’s the right side, but hey I’m not arguing.)
Needless to say in a place where you don’t know the roads or the country, you could do with a Sat Nav.
They kindly provided me with one, but when I reached the car and put the ZIP code in, it wouldn’t pick up a signal in this concrete car lot.
The sweat was already pouring from the humidity, and then the PANIC.
So here’s what I had to do.
Drive out onto the ramp, and wait until the signal picked up on the Sat-Nav, just hoping no one would come up behind me trying to get out.
Once it picked up a signal I was off on my journey to find the Marriott Hotel.
Moral of the story is:
If you don’t know where you’re heading, PANIC and FEAR can set in.
So, get LAZER targeted on what you WANT.
Get someone who can guide you in the direction you wanna go.
Like a world class coach 😉
P.S: If you’ve never been to Miami, it’s one hell of a beautiful place.
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Coach, Author, Public Speaker, Adventurer, Explorer.
I love life, but it wasn't always this way
Breaking free from depression and a gambling addiction. I created a life that I wanted. I wasn't 'BEing' myself in that dark place, which caused a lot of pain to loved ones and more importantly....myself. You can learn more about my story by downloading 'The Can I Kick It Blueprint.'